I think every onion must dream to end up in an Alsatian onion tart…. oh la la

 

So inspiring.  Of course, he is making a tart, of course I have tears in my eyes and I’m drooling.

Birfday Goals

Today is my birthday and want to set some goals for myself… but the only goal I can think to have any meaning to me right now is just this:

 

I want to get up everyday, set everyday goals for myself, achieve everyday success, and honor the powers that be in my life by living up to my potential.

What does that mean? Something different every day but I know that when I was going through treatment and after, when I felt kind of lost, I was able to find a tremendous amount of peace and personal pride in everyday success, small success, like walking it all the way to my parents Inn (from their house) two weeks after major abdominal surgery and getting up every single morning and going down to the treadmill they have in the basement and interval running for 30 minutes, even if my legs hurt so much by the end that I was in audible pain and tears.  I drove myself and I need to wake up like I felt I was then.

I have let fear creep into my life…. fear that I might lose my job and fear that I might never find love again and fear that I cannot lose the weight or fear that I will never have a bakery again….

Those kind of fears dishonor who I am and what has driven me in my life all along.  I believe that one can awake love and light in their life through everyday success and living up to one’s potential every day.  And it can be goals as small as “I want to write a menu for myself for the week and stick to it” or “I want to workout today”…. or “I want to write a budget for myself and stick to it” … it doesn’t have to weight related…. “I want to go for a walk everyday for my lunch break to smell the roses” or “I want to sit down at a table for each meal and enjoy it”…. this is what I believe is right and energetically positive and this represents who I am or who I want to be and I am going to set a goal today to do that because it is important to me.

I used to understand this and had balance and something has happened and I don’t feel alive like I did…. but I’m sick of feeling confused and sad about it….. because that is just another thing holding me back from changing it…..

So that is my goal.  To live up to my potential, even if it is hard or the things I desire for myself are difficult to achieve…. because I am not afraid and I believe that what happens in my life is all part of a journey that I’m on and I accept and trust that journey and what it brings…. whatever it brings.

That’s right, if you thought I was already pretty awesome….. I believe I have the capacity to be MORE awesome.  And so do you.

xoxoxoxo

Whitney!

RIP

Vote for Jeff!

Vote for my friend Jeff!  He is so hardworking and smart and funny and creative and daring and totally worthy of the win!  Take a look at the video he made for this contest and vote for him to win!  Please! (Note, you do have to be a facebook member to vote.)

https://apps.facebook.com/smallbusinesspush/profile/113/

If only you knew, everything I do is for you.

Oh, to be able to go to France and train in this art….

 

I am literally salivating…. it was the mustard addition that threw it over the edge for me… I love savory souffle.

No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true

The right words?

I was just in my local grocery store, at which they know me too well (I am an everyday type of shopper) and I went to the register and the employee working there happens to be a young man I chat with often and today I asked him how he is and he said that the day had not started so well and I asked why.

He told me that his neighbor was dying of brain cancer and I of course said I was so sorry and asked how old he was and he said he’s 60 and I said all of the questions… “When did you find out?” “How long has he had this going on?” etc.

He said he had been responding well for a while but they put a splint in to drain fluid and it quickly metastasized… and I said…

Make sure that while you have this time with him you find out everything else about his life that he was proud of and that brought him joy and that he thinks about and reflects on because so often people who pass from cancer are remembered for their cancer struggle and I would never want my cancer struggle to be the lasting memory people in my life have of me.  And have some fun, he needs to have some fun.

This made everything awkward feeling because he was noticeably emotional and I apologized for dwelling and he said thank you and I quickly left and wondered if that was wrong for me to say.  I never know if I’m crossing a line.

I am coming off a week of ongoing illness and I may be a bit tuckered out and emotional too but I am writing this because I feel sad for him and insecure about what I said to him.

xoxoxo

It’s not the pale moon that excites me

Full disclosure is what I on here for 2012 so here it is… This week and last week have been hard because…. because lifestyle changes are hard but, also because the man in my life…. is… well was not speaking to me and I did not feel I could really ask why because we are not at that place yet but I had to just trust him and trust that there was a reason…. and so I had to just put him and that out of my mind and be present in my life and my journey and it was hard…. because I like him and I want him and I want him to want me too and I think he does but I have it in me to try to control …. or think I’m controlling whether he likes me too… but I can’t actually do that and I don’t want to do that so I am just trying, again, to stay present in my life and know it will happen the way it should…..

I think there are endless excuses and reasons why someone can not take care of themselves and achieve the goals they set out (at least I can come up with endless excuses) but I don’t want to anymore….

so have I gone to all the yoga classes I had planned, yes, so far.  And I’ve run a couple times too which is good and something I wanted to start incorporating… were they harder because I had love and boys and inscurities  on my mind, yes.  But I still went….

I believe doing the right thing for yourself puts out positive energy that goes to work in your life but sometimes it takes a while to turn the energy around to be working for you and you have to keep doing good stuff that is right for you (sometimes difficult to keep doing) and the energy will build up….

All that said, I heard from the man last night and he proved to me one more time that I can trust him and I don’t need to worry (which I shouldn’t be anyway… that kind of worry is about thinking your beautiful and amazing and I and thinking that about myself more and more everyday, regardless of whether anyone is confirming that to me….)… and I was excited.  It feels nice to like someone like this.

xoxoxo

A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view….

Have you ever had someone enter into your life and challenge you in a way that you think just might be the ticket?  I have recently made a new friend who absolutely calls me out on all my shit and she is blowing up my world but I think it may just be the exact right time……. with someone like that, the timing would really have to be right because one could easily be rattled by someone who is shaking their cage and think they oughtn’t pursue friendship with that person but I think she may have rolled up on me at the exact right moment…. I have felt rather caged by the persona that I have created (that sounds awful but we all have a persona…. that is not to say that the facts that make up who you present yourself to the world as are not true….. hmmm… how to explain)….

I have been single for … what the hell…. eight years…. really? And a great deal has happened for me during that time so I have no bones about my singledom.  I have also never seriously dated a biological man, true.  Have I been out on dates?  Yes.  Were they okay dates…. there were not that many, 1 was amazing, 2 were alright…. I guess the remainder were not memorable…. all led to nothing….. oh there was one that was beyond awful….. My last relationship ended…. well it ended painfully…. it was a hard break up.  I completely pulled away from my entire community…. and they pulled away from me as well.  I then had cancer and my world absolutely transformed and I have gone through several layers of personal recovery, as if getting to different pockets of air within an under water cave and thinking you have come to the actual surface….

At any rate, over this period of time, a combination of these factoids and my ever transforming relationship with myself have formed my persona….. this kind of “never-been-kissed” persona mixed with Bridget Jones Diary except less straight…. and more prude….. at any rate, I am sick of it…. I’m sick of it.   The real truth is that I have had a terrible time connecting with people, boys and girls, because I am or was not willing to be vulnerable in this way…. I can never really explain in words how much of a toll cancer takes on anyone….. and although vulnerability is necessary and important in everyone’s life (and I have been vulnerable many many times in my life), vulnerability to other people is a choice one can choose to not participate in and I didn’t have the personal resources to be out there…. at least for dating…. for a whole with friends but I have slowly gotten better at that…. I just kind of wished that someone who was just exactly what I need would come along and save me from having to date….

I think recently, I have just really gotten comfortable with myself and who I am and what I believe is right for me.  I have become in tune with my intuition and have wild success following it….. but I am still singing this kind of siren song of manlessness and this new friend of mine is just like no…. and I am like, say what…. like I say I’ve never dated a man and she is like what about all these dates you’ve told me about?! and I am like yeah but they didn’t go anywhere and she is like they are still dates and, at the time, you said one or two of them went pretty well and I am like yeah but, when they didn’t go anywhere, I guess I didn’t consider them anymore, in my mind and she is like well then that is like looking at everything that doesn’t result in a relationship as a failure which makes most of dating a failure…… and I was like……………………. you’re right.  I have been on some dates.  Huh.

I just want to change the script, you know?  I am ready to be brave.  I am brave in so many other ways in my life.  I don’t want to be scared of rejection anymore.  I don’t want to be nervous about being vulnerable anymore.  I feel strong and fearless and awesome and I am just gonna go for it.  I have no idea what that means.  I still don’t really know where I stand on the online dating scene because it just isn’t really organic….. I had an astrological reading once that said I would meet my match either at work or whilst doing something I am passionate about because I am most attractive when I am ….. what’s the word….. when I am focused, driven, passionate, … not paying attention to romance…. hahah!  When people here me say that I don’t know about online dating, they largely think I am just avoiding but I’m serious.  I have joined that stuff before and 95% of what I got back was “Hey, want to bang?”…. and to be honest, I don’t.  I mean, I do, but not casually.  I am in a serious minority of people who don’t just bang and there is nothing in my intuition that is more clear than that.  I have no desire to have casual sex.  So online dating becomes a little….. hmmmm.

It is going to come together.  I am ready.

xoxoxoxoxoxo