It’s not the pale moon that excites me

Full disclosure is what I on here for 2012 so here it is… This week and last week have been hard because…. because lifestyle changes are hard but, also because the man in my life…. is… well was not speaking to me and I did not feel I could really ask why because we are not at that place yet but I had to just trust him and trust that there was a reason…. and so I had to just put him and that out of my mind and be present in my life and my journey and it was hard…. because I like him and I want him and I want him to want me too and I think he does but I have it in me to try to control …. or think I’m controlling whether he likes me too… but I can’t actually do that and I don’t want to do that so I am just trying, again, to stay present in my life and know it will happen the way it should…..

I think there are endless excuses and reasons why someone can not take care of themselves and achieve the goals they set out (at least I can come up with endless excuses) but I don’t want to anymore….

so have I gone to all the yoga classes I had planned, yes, so far.  And I’ve run a couple times too which is good and something I wanted to start incorporating… were they harder because I had love and boys and inscurities  on my mind, yes.  But I still went….

I believe doing the right thing for yourself puts out positive energy that goes to work in your life but sometimes it takes a while to turn the energy around to be working for you and you have to keep doing good stuff that is right for you (sometimes difficult to keep doing) and the energy will build up….

All that said, I heard from the man last night and he proved to me one more time that I can trust him and I don’t need to worry (which I shouldn’t be anyway… that kind of worry is about thinking your beautiful and amazing and I and thinking that about myself more and more everyday, regardless of whether anyone is confirming that to me….)… and I was excited.  It feels nice to like someone like this.

xoxoxo

A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view….

Have you ever had someone enter into your life and challenge you in a way that you think just might be the ticket?  I have recently made a new friend who absolutely calls me out on all my shit and she is blowing up my world but I think it may just be the exact right time……. with someone like that, the timing would really have to be right because one could easily be rattled by someone who is shaking their cage and think they oughtn’t pursue friendship with that person but I think she may have rolled up on me at the exact right moment…. I have felt rather caged by the persona that I have created (that sounds awful but we all have a persona…. that is not to say that the facts that make up who you present yourself to the world as are not true….. hmmm… how to explain)….

I have been single for … what the hell…. eight years…. really? And a great deal has happened for me during that time so I have no bones about my singledom.  I have also never seriously dated a biological man, true.  Have I been out on dates?  Yes.  Were they okay dates…. there were not that many, 1 was amazing, 2 were alright…. I guess the remainder were not memorable…. all led to nothing….. oh there was one that was beyond awful….. My last relationship ended…. well it ended painfully…. it was a hard break up.  I completely pulled away from my entire community…. and they pulled away from me as well.  I then had cancer and my world absolutely transformed and I have gone through several layers of personal recovery, as if getting to different pockets of air within an under water cave and thinking you have come to the actual surface….

At any rate, over this period of time, a combination of these factoids and my ever transforming relationship with myself have formed my persona….. this kind of “never-been-kissed” persona mixed with Bridget Jones Diary except less straight…. and more prude….. at any rate, I am sick of it…. I’m sick of it.   The real truth is that I have had a terrible time connecting with people, boys and girls, because I am or was not willing to be vulnerable in this way…. I can never really explain in words how much of a toll cancer takes on anyone….. and although vulnerability is necessary and important in everyone’s life (and I have been vulnerable many many times in my life), vulnerability to other people is a choice one can choose to not participate in and I didn’t have the personal resources to be out there…. at least for dating…. for a whole with friends but I have slowly gotten better at that…. I just kind of wished that someone who was just exactly what I need would come along and save me from having to date….

I think recently, I have just really gotten comfortable with myself and who I am and what I believe is right for me.  I have become in tune with my intuition and have wild success following it….. but I am still singing this kind of siren song of manlessness and this new friend of mine is just like no…. and I am like, say what…. like I say I’ve never dated a man and she is like what about all these dates you’ve told me about?! and I am like yeah but they didn’t go anywhere and she is like they are still dates and, at the time, you said one or two of them went pretty well and I am like yeah but, when they didn’t go anywhere, I guess I didn’t consider them anymore, in my mind and she is like well then that is like looking at everything that doesn’t result in a relationship as a failure which makes most of dating a failure…… and I was like……………………. you’re right.  I have been on some dates.  Huh.

I just want to change the script, you know?  I am ready to be brave.  I am brave in so many other ways in my life.  I don’t want to be scared of rejection anymore.  I don’t want to be nervous about being vulnerable anymore.  I feel strong and fearless and awesome and I am just gonna go for it.  I have no idea what that means.  I still don’t really know where I stand on the online dating scene because it just isn’t really organic….. I had an astrological reading once that said I would meet my match either at work or whilst doing something I am passionate about because I am most attractive when I am ….. what’s the word….. when I am focused, driven, passionate, … not paying attention to romance…. hahah!  When people here me say that I don’t know about online dating, they largely think I am just avoiding but I’m serious.  I have joined that stuff before and 95% of what I got back was “Hey, want to bang?”…. and to be honest, I don’t.  I mean, I do, but not casually.  I am in a serious minority of people who don’t just bang and there is nothing in my intuition that is more clear than that.  I have no desire to have casual sex.  So online dating becomes a little….. hmmmm.

It is going to come together.  I am ready.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Accountability

Okay, full disclosure, because 2012 is about making real changes and the only reason you didn’t make said changes before 2011?  Because they were hard.  I am not just talking about lifestyle (food) changes but any changes.  We all (or I’d like to think we all) have things that we would like to change and may have even tried to change a million times and it gets to the point where we either give up (no, I will not) or feel like failures.  I believe that the choices I make that get me off of the track are not based on nothing and just happen because I am a weak person or some other such nonsense as that.  That is not to say that I don’t have moments (many moments) when I feel like a failure.  But I don’t think there is anything wrong with me.  I think I have a lot in common with a lot of folks and that is really what it’s about…. not being ashamed of yourself and feeling connection.  I think, for me, there is a sense of shame or failure that I have been trying to lose weight for so long so I just stop talking about it like as if other people have given up on me.  It’s a lot to put on one’s self.   Because really, there is nothing wrong with me.  There are a variety of factors that play a role in my decision making when I over eat or don’t attend a class I have intended and part of that is just habit and changing habit.

I did not go to yoga today…. hey I said it would be hard…. and I want to know why…. okay, so, the fact that I was at work 30 minutes later than I meant to be played a role (I have to be more important to me than work, I just do…. maybe not in the past but in 2012, it just must be so) – if I’m late getting out of work, my one true love, Dooley, becomes reason number 2, he is my most favorite person and he needs a walk before I head off anywhere….. hey, I have a dog, he is my responsibility, I won’t let him down…  but he doesn’t need to be an excuse… and he has…. many times…. at any rate, it is a chain reaction, I’m late getting out of the office and therefore late to get to him and have left little or no time to get across the park to yoga…. it just needs to be important to get out of work on time….. because, in the end, it is important to me to achieve this goal and part of that is getting myself to this class…. each week that I am successful at getting myself to achieve my goals, I build both the habit and the confidence that I can do this…..

I need, also, to be sensitive to historically difficult things for me, like working out in the evening (I am a long time supporter of early morning exercise and consider myself generally useless in the evenings for anything other than pleasure …. meaning dinner, books, leisure, being home….  this is just habit, something I can change….. it will be hard but I have never shied away from difficulty….) it is also difficult that it is cold…. cold…. and I have no way of journeying to yoga other than on foot….. oh, I actually wished I could ride a horse there for a few moments early in the afternoon…. if only I knew how to ride a horse ….. or had a horse….. or had a place to put the horse once I arrived…..

at any rate, I want to be accountable…. to this blog….. to the powers that be…… and mostly to myself.  I don’t want to let myself down.  So, I am just determined to create the environment in which I have no reason ro obstacle other than my own brain so that I can then over come the brain part and form a new habit….. Thursday is my next yoga class

I can do it!

On the food front, I did just fine today, albeit not really enough food during the day so I was ravenous for dinner but beyond that, I did fine.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Laziest day of my life. I did not even do laundry.

Alright, well, January 2nd has gone pretty well, albeit, extremely lazy.  However, I think this lack of activities helped me clarify something that I may have been over looking.  True to form, I believe I have over booked myself for new leaves to turn over.  When I was young, and this holds over to my life as an adult, I used to bite off more than I can chew so to speak, with everything, social activities, after school commitments, and even right down to the extreme disarray of my own bedroom…. and I would become overwhelmed and beat myself up for not being good enough to achieve all of these things and my Mom would come along, ever a grounding force for me, no matter whether I knew it or not, and help me understand that I have to just take it one thing at a time, and I remind myself of this again today, as I sit back and take in the scope of my goals for this new year.  So I am going to take this thing in pieces, both the lifestyle change (meaning food and exercise) and the other stuff (like saving money, organizing my things, and learning French)… To start, on the food and working out front, I am going to just make sure to get myself to the 4 yoga classes I would like to attend.  I say that like it won’t be difficult and it will.  My goal is to just make sure I get to all four classes for the next two weeks.  At the same time as I am doing that, I will add to that no dairy (you would think this one unnecessary if you were unaware that I am VERY lactose intolerant, like it causes major ailment) and no sugar (again, of all things, sugar makes me feel the worst).  This way I am cutting out two of the worst offenders.  So again, my goal is two weeks.  So … it’s not that I will add them back in, it’s so I am focusing on only those two things for the next two weeks and then I shall see where I am with it…. in that, do I do this same thing for another two weeks or do I add an additional element….. this will be difficult enough.

On the other things front, I’d like to spend the next month just dealing with all the paper, mail and gosh, whatever the hell else comprises the many pieces of paper in my apartment.  I’d like to get things filed and thrown away, if need be.  I will give myself until February 1, 2012 for that task.  You think, really?  But I am not in the business of hoarding and so I had intended to go through the many food magazines I possess and extract the recipes I want to keep and that will take a bit of time…. so.  But, at the end, I will have a healthy-er collection of great recipes for a variety of occasions.  I would much rather extract this info. and keep these in my recipe box than have as many magazines as I currently possess.

I don’t consider myself weird (well, just in the usual ways…. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, ….. library supporter….. letter writer… yoga) so hopefully the spirit of this post will help many of you keep the promises you’ve made to yourself this year.

Just take it one thing at a time.  You can do it!

xoxoxoxo

January 1st, 2012 – So far so good….

Today is New Year’s Day….. and, in terms of starting my diet again, I did alright.  I don’t know.  I really did but I feel just awful.  I have had ongoing back issues that make me feel nauseous and I think it just may be time for a massage …. also, I have had ongoing acid reflux but that is due (in my opinion) to weeks of eating …. what ever the f*ck I want which is problematic because I should never have that kind of freedom with food…. hahah….. No, I think I can have a tendency to have far too much sugar and it gives me awful acid reflux and, although I did alright today, I think it has just built up, but I can take t.  Acid reflux puts me in such a bad mood……

I think it also didn’t help at all that I went to bed at like 4 AM and woke a bajillion years late …. so, lunch kind of didn’t happen…..

I had the egg bake thing I made yesterday for breakfast and then, in the middle of the afternoon, I had a handful of pepperoni (one of my favorite snacks) and then (here comes the problem) a handful of dark chocolate…..  and then onions, peppers, and broccoli stir fry with rice and an egg.

I had a couple cups of coffee which may not be great but….. It is usually alright if there aren’t a million other things making me feel  badly.

But, overall, this was fine.  New Year’s Yoga was great….. people were so funny afterward on the walk back over to Beacon Hill…. we were carrying yoga mats so guys were like…. “Did you just do yoga?” ….. hahahah!  The reaction was priceless from crazy drunk folks.

2012 is going to be great!  This is my goal dress….. it was hard to pick just one… and it will probably change but this is the one for now.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxo

It’s never too late to start again

Happy New Year!

I am preparing today to start back on the Harcombe diet tomorrow and I decided to make a bit of an egg bake for easy breakfast purposes and I thought I’d share it, as I can smell the veggies roasting in the oven now!  I do believe this recipe is Harcombe diet friendly at any phase.  It falls in the fat category for meal planning purposes.

Roasted Vegetable and Ham Un-Strata (I don’t know…. it is an egg bake with no bread in it so it’s not a strata really but…. I guess casserole?)

Need:

Any veggies you like really (except potatoes, at least in Phase 1).  I used

1 smallish crown of broccoli

2 small yellow onions (or a larger onion that equals the same amount)

1 and a half red peppers (I could have used two whole peppers, I just on;ly had 1 and a half in the fridge)

as much olive oil as it takes to coat these veggies

salt and pepper

9 or 10 oz. ham (in whatever form you like, bacon, Canadian bacon, ham steak, deli ham, prosciutto) – I am using a 9.76-oz. nob of Canadian bacon I have (I like to cut it myself so I get big pieces from the butcher)

a dozen eggs (okay, I know, but think of this as 6 servings and it makes more sense.)

4 sun dried tomatoes (last minute addition – I love sun dried tomatoes and always have them in the fridge so I opened the fridge to get the eggs and…. well, you can see where it went from there)

non-stick cooking spray

How to:

Roughly chop the onion, red pepper, and broccoli so it is in 2-in. (approximately) square chunks.  The onion layers will fall apart a little bit and that is perfectly fine.  Place in a large bowl and cover with (let’s start with) quarter C. of the olive oil.  Using either a big metal spoon or your hands, toss the veggies gently until they all become coated with the oil (not drenched, just coated).  If you need 1 or 2 or 3 T. more of the oil, go for it.  Once you’ve done this, using a generous amount of salt and pepper, season the veggies (once again, tossing with either the big metal spoon or your hands).  In a aluminum-lined roasting pan, pour the veggies into an even layer and roast in the oven, preheated to 400, for 20-40 minutes (at 20 minutes, moved veggies around to ensure even roasting and then check them every 10 minutes until caramelized).

Meanwhile, cut the ham into a small dice (approx. 1/4-in. square) and chop the sun-dried tomato.  In a saute pan coated in non-stick cooking spray, lightly brown the ham, including the sun-dried tomato to soak up some of the juices.  If the pan should get very dry, use a little tiny bit of water to de-glaze the bottom.  You shouldn’t do this until the ham is sufficiently lightly browned.

In a large bowl, beat the 12 eggs as if you were then going to scramble them.  Add a splash of water and beat a little more to incorporate.  Once the roasted veggies have cooled a little bit, pour them out onto a chopping surface and chop up.  You don’t have to do this, I just like to.  You could easily leave them in all big pieces.  I think this smaller dice of the roasted veg makes for a more even distribution of the egg.

I used an 8 x 8 inch square casserole because it is all I have but this amount of stuff would surely fit in a large vessel, if you wish.  My servings will just be tall and, in a larger vessel, a serving would be less so.  Okay, so it is time to put it all together.  Prepare the casserole dish with non-stick cooking spray.  Add the roasted veggies first in an even layer.  Add the ham and sun-dried tomato on top of that in an even layer.  Pour the eggs over all, making sure to not just pour all the egg in in one spot but rather move around the casserole to fill in around the veggies and ham.

Bake at 350, covered with aluminum, for 20 minutes.  Remove the foil and bake for another 10 minutes or until golden and set up.  (I think it took 40 minutes for me total.)

Viola, breakfast for the whole week!  Or, if you are not a single miss, breakfast for…. however many days it takes to eat…  or easy quick dinner or midnight snack or lunch I ‘spose.

Happy New Year Everyone!!  I hope it is a fresh start for those who need one and a healthy, successful, love filled year for all.  I myself will be starting the new year on a high note at New Year’s Yoga, complete with a silent meditation from 11:50PM-12:05AM.  I got gels on my nails JUST for this yoga class, the color, Bring On The Bling…. you can only imagine…..

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I miss the water and the levy and riding in Adam’s old Chevy

I think, just by shear quantity, my ability to actually blog all the recipes I made over my holiday break has gotten away from me.  I am going to try to get through them one at a time but I think, on this slightly melancholy day (for me), I will start with what was probably the most successful (to the masses… I myself, really loved the dark chocolate fudge but I gosh darn love dark chocolate), ….

Vanilla Sable Sandwich Cookies filled with Dulce de Leche and dipped in Chocolate

(this recipe made 12 sandwiches)

half C. unsalted butter (1 stick), softened

half C. sugar (I used organic granulated)

1 egg yolk (I used the yolk of a large egg)

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 C. unbleached all-purpose flour

quarter tsp. salt

flour for the counter or board for rolling out

(You could easily make variations on this.  I have long made the same recipe and added lemon zest for lemon sable, which are great with a little apricot jam inside or raspberry jam, yum!  This can also be made into chocolate sable cookies by adding some coco powder.)

How to:

Cream the butter and sugar for about 3 minutes.  Scrap the bowl (completely, meaning all the way to the bottom and around the bottom.) Add egg yolk and vanilla and beat for another minute. Scrap completely again.

In a medium bowl, whisk flour and salt.  You may also choose to sift the flour and salt.  Either is fine. Add to the butter mixture in two additions, blending until dough is smooth. This should come together in the bowl, if the butter was not too warm.

On a very lightly floured surface, shape the dough into a ball. Press until dough has taken the shape of a disk and wrap in waxed paper or plastic wrap and chill for at least an hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

On a very lightly floured surface, roll dough out to an eighth of an inch (don’t go any thinner than that or they will burn) and cut out whatever shape you like (with sable, it is traditional to do circles but I don’t have a circle so I did a flower shape.  This is an amazing factoid only when you find out how many cookie cutters I DO have.)  Place 1-inch apart on a parchment covered baking sheet. Bake for about 10 minutes or until the are slightly colored around the edges.  Set you timer for 5 minutes and check them every minute after that.  They burn very quickly.  They should literally just look like they’ve set up.  Take them out and let stand on the pan for 1 minute.  Remove to a cooling rack.

Once these have cooled, fill with 1 tsp. of either homemade dulce de leche or store bought (for this, I used a very small ice cream scooper – feel free to use a knife and eye ball it because, really, you will quickly understand what too much is and these are for family and friends so who cares if they look perfect.  I did 1 tsp. because I wanted them to be manageable when I was dipping them in milk chocolate.  YUM!).

Get a cool metal cookie sheet set up with some parchment paper lining.  (this will be to set the newly chocolate dipped cookie sandwiches on.  Metal gets cold faster than a plate or even your wooden chopping block and this way, once they are all done, you could place in the cold fridge and they will set up even faster.)

In a microwave safe bowl, melt half a bag of milk chocolate chips. (start by running the microwave for 30 seconds.  Take out, with a rubber spatula, stir around, they will not yet be melted but some will and you want the top ones to melt at the same rate.  From that point, run in 10 second intervals, stirring in between each until all chips are melted.  Scrap down the bowl so all the chocolate is together in the bottom and ready for dipping!)

I did a half dip for these cookies so I took each sandwich and dipped halfway.  Pull the cookie out of the chocolate, let drip for a second, and place on the metal cookie sheet to set up.

These were just….. so good.  And not as hard as maybe ALL this instruction makes them sound.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!  So many yummy things were made this week, from some pretty awesome cookies to dark chocolate fudge to a Christmas Eve cocktail party feast to today’s Christmas Dinner!  It’s great being home on holiday!  Writing to you today from a warm snugglie bed covered in three dogs!

I hope everyone has had an amazing holiday.

xoxoxo

One of my favorite things…. bacon!

No other way to start the day!

xoxo

Can’t Sleep

I can’t get to going to bed…. I feel so restless.  The part of my brain that wants to control everything is giving me restless body syndrome.  So so much is happening right now and I am just trying to stay so present and allow things to happen and stay calm and I’m doing alright but in these quiet moments in the night, my over-thinking brain wins for a little while so I’m trying to put it to better work and write a blog.  This weekend (was ‘sposed to be last weekend but I didn’t want it to be stressful so I opted for getting prepped and then actually bake this weekend) I am making two (or three) types of cookies and fudge!  I’m very excited.  I found shockingly few like *fudge* recipes…. like fudge, you know…. I actually found none.  I found a bajillion recipes for this new fangled fudge using sweetened condensed milk… sounds very Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade to me and I just don’t know.  I miss my Mom’s fudge from when were little…. she made it like 3 times my whole life but it as divine…. isn’t that funny….. I try recipes and sweets that my Mom made made by other people and they just aren’t as good… is that just because my Mom made them?  or my Dad…. NO ONE makes peanut butter toast like my Dad…. oh I’ve made myself teary talking about my family …. it must be time (almost) to go home for Christmas… anyway, I ‘spose I will either have to search through all my books and boxes of recipes or use one of these quick fudge recipes and see how it goes…..  I am also making a linzer sandwich cookies with raspberry jam (for all my Germans at my work) and a sable sandwich cookie with homemade dulce de leche in and then I am going to dip it halfway in chocolate (fancy!)…. I am sure of these three things being included in each tin and then I am also including satsumas or clementines (you know, for a “healthy New Year”)…. but I have started talking myself up a little bit and thinking maybe I need one more thing….??  I just don’t want to go too ambitious and ruin the Christmas sweets making experience.  I am also going to post a new recipe for, of all things, an amazing version of a 5-minute mug cake that I experimented with (oh, sure, yeah, experimented is what we’ll call it…. rather than made many times in different ways because I love mug cake….).  It is made using dark brown sugar and soy milk and I have found no other versions of and it is golden and moist and amazing…. yum.

Golden 5-Minute Cake in a Mug

6 T. all purpose flour

4 T. packed dark brown sugar

1/8 t. baking powder

1 lg. egg

3 T. soy milk (or regular milk)

3 T. veggie or canola oil (any oil with a mild flavor)

1 capful of vanilla extract (or your favorite flavor extract)

1 large mug, microwave safe

How to:

In the rather large mug (or a bowl), add flour, sugar, and baking powder.  Whisk to combine (if sugar has clumps, work out with your fingers).  Make a well in the middle.  Add egg, milk, oil, and vanilla extract (or other) and, using a fork rather than the whisk, stir together, being sure to go all the way around the edges and the bottom, don’t leave any dry ingredients behind.  Once combined, microwave for 3 minutes on high.  Let stand in microwave for 2 minutes.  Eat!  It is great without any addition although I am sure a little ow scream would be great or some maple syrup. This could easily be eaten by yourself but it really is perfect as a quick and cute treat for you and …. a friend.  Incidentally, I shared mine.  :)

Okay, I think I have finally become sleepy….good night.

xoxo

(it came up on my pandora and made me feel peaceful… I thought I’d pass that on)