It’s not the pale moon that excites me

Full disclosure is what I on here for 2012 so here it is… This week and last week have been hard because…. because lifestyle changes are hard but, also because the man in my life…. is… well was not speaking to me and I did not feel I could really ask why because we are not at that place yet but I had to just trust him and trust that there was a reason…. and so I had to just put him and that out of my mind and be present in my life and my journey and it was hard…. because I like him and I want him and I want him to want me too and I think he does but I have it in me to try to control …. or think I’m controlling whether he likes me too… but I can’t actually do that and I don’t want to do that so I am just trying, again, to stay present in my life and know it will happen the way it should…..

I think there are endless excuses and reasons why someone can not take care of themselves and achieve the goals they set out (at least I can come up with endless excuses) but I don’t want to anymore….

so have I gone to all the yoga classes I had planned, yes, so far.  And I’ve run a couple times too which is good and something I wanted to start incorporating… were they harder because I had love and boys and inscurities  on my mind, yes.  But I still went….

I believe doing the right thing for yourself puts out positive energy that goes to work in your life but sometimes it takes a while to turn the energy around to be working for you and you have to keep doing good stuff that is right for you (sometimes difficult to keep doing) and the energy will build up….

All that said, I heard from the man last night and he proved to me one more time that I can trust him and I don’t need to worry (which I shouldn’t be anyway… that kind of worry is about thinking your beautiful and amazing and I and thinking that about myself more and more everyday, regardless of whether anyone is confirming that to me….)… and I was excited.  It feels nice to like someone like this.

xoxoxo

A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view….

Have you ever had someone enter into your life and challenge you in a way that you think just might be the ticket?  I have recently made a new friend who absolutely calls me out on all my shit and she is blowing up my world but I think it may just be the exact right time……. with someone like that, the timing would really have to be right because one could easily be rattled by someone who is shaking their cage and think they oughtn’t pursue friendship with that person but I think she may have rolled up on me at the exact right moment…. I have felt rather caged by the persona that I have created (that sounds awful but we all have a persona…. that is not to say that the facts that make up who you present yourself to the world as are not true….. hmmm… how to explain)….

I have been single for … what the hell…. eight years…. really? And a great deal has happened for me during that time so I have no bones about my singledom.  I have also never seriously dated a biological man, true.  Have I been out on dates?  Yes.  Were they okay dates…. there were not that many, 1 was amazing, 2 were alright…. I guess the remainder were not memorable…. all led to nothing….. oh there was one that was beyond awful….. My last relationship ended…. well it ended painfully…. it was a hard break up.  I completely pulled away from my entire community…. and they pulled away from me as well.  I then had cancer and my world absolutely transformed and I have gone through several layers of personal recovery, as if getting to different pockets of air within an under water cave and thinking you have come to the actual surface….

At any rate, over this period of time, a combination of these factoids and my ever transforming relationship with myself have formed my persona….. this kind of “never-been-kissed” persona mixed with Bridget Jones Diary except less straight…. and more prude….. at any rate, I am sick of it…. I’m sick of it.   The real truth is that I have had a terrible time connecting with people, boys and girls, because I am or was not willing to be vulnerable in this way…. I can never really explain in words how much of a toll cancer takes on anyone….. and although vulnerability is necessary and important in everyone’s life (and I have been vulnerable many many times in my life), vulnerability to other people is a choice one can choose to not participate in and I didn’t have the personal resources to be out there…. at least for dating…. for a whole with friends but I have slowly gotten better at that…. I just kind of wished that someone who was just exactly what I need would come along and save me from having to date….

I think recently, I have just really gotten comfortable with myself and who I am and what I believe is right for me.  I have become in tune with my intuition and have wild success following it….. but I am still singing this kind of siren song of manlessness and this new friend of mine is just like no…. and I am like, say what…. like I say I’ve never dated a man and she is like what about all these dates you’ve told me about?! and I am like yeah but they didn’t go anywhere and she is like they are still dates and, at the time, you said one or two of them went pretty well and I am like yeah but, when they didn’t go anywhere, I guess I didn’t consider them anymore, in my mind and she is like well then that is like looking at everything that doesn’t result in a relationship as a failure which makes most of dating a failure…… and I was like……………………. you’re right.  I have been on some dates.  Huh.

I just want to change the script, you know?  I am ready to be brave.  I am brave in so many other ways in my life.  I don’t want to be scared of rejection anymore.  I don’t want to be nervous about being vulnerable anymore.  I feel strong and fearless and awesome and I am just gonna go for it.  I have no idea what that means.  I still don’t really know where I stand on the online dating scene because it just isn’t really organic….. I had an astrological reading once that said I would meet my match either at work or whilst doing something I am passionate about because I am most attractive when I am ….. what’s the word….. when I am focused, driven, passionate, … not paying attention to romance…. hahah!  When people here me say that I don’t know about online dating, they largely think I am just avoiding but I’m serious.  I have joined that stuff before and 95% of what I got back was “Hey, want to bang?”…. and to be honest, I don’t.  I mean, I do, but not casually.  I am in a serious minority of people who don’t just bang and there is nothing in my intuition that is more clear than that.  I have no desire to have casual sex.  So online dating becomes a little….. hmmmm.

It is going to come together.  I am ready.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Accountability

Okay, full disclosure, because 2012 is about making real changes and the only reason you didn’t make said changes before 2011?  Because they were hard.  I am not just talking about lifestyle (food) changes but any changes.  We all (or I’d like to think we all) have things that we would like to change and may have even tried to change a million times and it gets to the point where we either give up (no, I will not) or feel like failures.  I believe that the choices I make that get me off of the track are not based on nothing and just happen because I am a weak person or some other such nonsense as that.  That is not to say that I don’t have moments (many moments) when I feel like a failure.  But I don’t think there is anything wrong with me.  I think I have a lot in common with a lot of folks and that is really what it’s about…. not being ashamed of yourself and feeling connection.  I think, for me, there is a sense of shame or failure that I have been trying to lose weight for so long so I just stop talking about it like as if other people have given up on me.  It’s a lot to put on one’s self.   Because really, there is nothing wrong with me.  There are a variety of factors that play a role in my decision making when I over eat or don’t attend a class I have intended and part of that is just habit and changing habit.

I did not go to yoga today…. hey I said it would be hard…. and I want to know why…. okay, so, the fact that I was at work 30 minutes later than I meant to be played a role (I have to be more important to me than work, I just do…. maybe not in the past but in 2012, it just must be so) – if I’m late getting out of work, my one true love, Dooley, becomes reason number 2, he is my most favorite person and he needs a walk before I head off anywhere….. hey, I have a dog, he is my responsibility, I won’t let him down…  but he doesn’t need to be an excuse… and he has…. many times…. at any rate, it is a chain reaction, I’m late getting out of the office and therefore late to get to him and have left little or no time to get across the park to yoga…. it just needs to be important to get out of work on time….. because, in the end, it is important to me to achieve this goal and part of that is getting myself to this class…. each week that I am successful at getting myself to achieve my goals, I build both the habit and the confidence that I can do this…..

I need, also, to be sensitive to historically difficult things for me, like working out in the evening (I am a long time supporter of early morning exercise and consider myself generally useless in the evenings for anything other than pleasure …. meaning dinner, books, leisure, being home….  this is just habit, something I can change….. it will be hard but I have never shied away from difficulty….) it is also difficult that it is cold…. cold…. and I have no way of journeying to yoga other than on foot….. oh, I actually wished I could ride a horse there for a few moments early in the afternoon…. if only I knew how to ride a horse ….. or had a horse….. or had a place to put the horse once I arrived…..

at any rate, I want to be accountable…. to this blog….. to the powers that be…… and mostly to myself.  I don’t want to let myself down.  So, I am just determined to create the environment in which I have no reason ro obstacle other than my own brain so that I can then over come the brain part and form a new habit….. Thursday is my next yoga class

I can do it!

On the food front, I did just fine today, albeit not really enough food during the day so I was ravenous for dinner but beyond that, I did fine.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Laziest day of my life. I did not even do laundry.

Alright, well, January 2nd has gone pretty well, albeit, extremely lazy.  However, I think this lack of activities helped me clarify something that I may have been over looking.  True to form, I believe I have over booked myself for new leaves to turn over.  When I was young, and this holds over to my life as an adult, I used to bite off more than I can chew so to speak, with everything, social activities, after school commitments, and even right down to the extreme disarray of my own bedroom…. and I would become overwhelmed and beat myself up for not being good enough to achieve all of these things and my Mom would come along, ever a grounding force for me, no matter whether I knew it or not, and help me understand that I have to just take it one thing at a time, and I remind myself of this again today, as I sit back and take in the scope of my goals for this new year.  So I am going to take this thing in pieces, both the lifestyle change (meaning food and exercise) and the other stuff (like saving money, organizing my things, and learning French)… To start, on the food and working out front, I am going to just make sure to get myself to the 4 yoga classes I would like to attend.  I say that like it won’t be difficult and it will.  My goal is to just make sure I get to all four classes for the next two weeks.  At the same time as I am doing that, I will add to that no dairy (you would think this one unnecessary if you were unaware that I am VERY lactose intolerant, like it causes major ailment) and no sugar (again, of all things, sugar makes me feel the worst).  This way I am cutting out two of the worst offenders.  So again, my goal is two weeks.  So … it’s not that I will add them back in, it’s so I am focusing on only those two things for the next two weeks and then I shall see where I am with it…. in that, do I do this same thing for another two weeks or do I add an additional element….. this will be difficult enough.

On the other things front, I’d like to spend the next month just dealing with all the paper, mail and gosh, whatever the hell else comprises the many pieces of paper in my apartment.  I’d like to get things filed and thrown away, if need be.  I will give myself until February 1, 2012 for that task.  You think, really?  But I am not in the business of hoarding and so I had intended to go through the many food magazines I possess and extract the recipes I want to keep and that will take a bit of time…. so.  But, at the end, I will have a healthy-er collection of great recipes for a variety of occasions.  I would much rather extract this info. and keep these in my recipe box than have as many magazines as I currently possess.

I don’t consider myself weird (well, just in the usual ways…. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, ….. library supporter….. letter writer… yoga) so hopefully the spirit of this post will help many of you keep the promises you’ve made to yourself this year.

Just take it one thing at a time.  You can do it!

xoxoxoxo

January 1st, 2012 – So far so good….

Today is New Year’s Day….. and, in terms of starting my diet again, I did alright.  I don’t know.  I really did but I feel just awful.  I have had ongoing back issues that make me feel nauseous and I think it just may be time for a massage …. also, I have had ongoing acid reflux but that is due (in my opinion) to weeks of eating …. what ever the f*ck I want which is problematic because I should never have that kind of freedom with food…. hahah….. No, I think I can have a tendency to have far too much sugar and it gives me awful acid reflux and, although I did alright today, I think it has just built up, but I can take t.  Acid reflux puts me in such a bad mood……

I think it also didn’t help at all that I went to bed at like 4 AM and woke a bajillion years late …. so, lunch kind of didn’t happen…..

I had the egg bake thing I made yesterday for breakfast and then, in the middle of the afternoon, I had a handful of pepperoni (one of my favorite snacks) and then (here comes the problem) a handful of dark chocolate…..  and then onions, peppers, and broccoli stir fry with rice and an egg.

I had a couple cups of coffee which may not be great but….. It is usually alright if there aren’t a million other things making me feel  badly.

But, overall, this was fine.  New Year’s Yoga was great….. people were so funny afterward on the walk back over to Beacon Hill…. we were carrying yoga mats so guys were like…. “Did you just do yoga?” ….. hahahah!  The reaction was priceless from crazy drunk folks.

2012 is going to be great!  This is my goal dress….. it was hard to pick just one… and it will probably change but this is the one for now.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxo