Have you ever had someone enter into your life and challenge you in a way that you think just might be the ticket? I have recently made a new friend who absolutely calls me out on all my shit and she is blowing up my world but I think it may just be the exact right time……. with someone like that, the timing would really have to be right because one could easily be rattled by someone who is shaking their cage and think they oughtn’t pursue friendship with that person but I think she may have rolled up on me at the exact right moment…. I have felt rather caged by the persona that I have created (that sounds awful but we all have a persona…. that is not to say that the facts that make up who you present yourself to the world as are not true….. hmmm… how to explain)….
I have been single for … what the hell…. eight years…. really? And a great deal has happened for me during that time so I have no bones about my singledom. I have also never seriously dated a biological man, true. Have I been out on dates? Yes. Were they okay dates…. there were not that many, 1 was amazing, 2 were alright…. I guess the remainder were not memorable…. all led to nothing….. oh there was one that was beyond awful….. My last relationship ended…. well it ended painfully…. it was a hard break up. I completely pulled away from my entire community…. and they pulled away from me as well. I then had cancer and my world absolutely transformed and I have gone through several layers of personal recovery, as if getting to different pockets of air within an under water cave and thinking you have come to the actual surface….
At any rate, over this period of time, a combination of these factoids and my ever transforming relationship with myself have formed my persona….. this kind of “never-been-kissed” persona mixed with Bridget Jones Diary except less straight…. and more prude….. at any rate, I am sick of it…. I’m sick of it. The real truth is that I have had a terrible time connecting with people, boys and girls, because I am or was not willing to be vulnerable in this way…. I can never really explain in words how much of a toll cancer takes on anyone….. and although vulnerability is necessary and important in everyone’s life (and I have been vulnerable many many times in my life), vulnerability to other people is a choice one can choose to not participate in and I didn’t have the personal resources to be out there…. at least for dating…. for a whole with friends but I have slowly gotten better at that…. I just kind of wished that someone who was just exactly what I need would come along and save me from having to date….
I think recently, I have just really gotten comfortable with myself and who I am and what I believe is right for me. I have become in tune with my intuition and have wild success following it….. but I am still singing this kind of siren song of manlessness and this new friend of mine is just like no…. and I am like, say what…. like I say I’ve never dated a man and she is like what about all these dates you’ve told me about?! and I am like yeah but they didn’t go anywhere and she is like they are still dates and, at the time, you said one or two of them went pretty well and I am like yeah but, when they didn’t go anywhere, I guess I didn’t consider them anymore, in my mind and she is like well then that is like looking at everything that doesn’t result in a relationship as a failure which makes most of dating a failure…… and I was like……………………. you’re right. I have been on some dates. Huh.
I just want to change the script, you know? I am ready to be brave. I am brave in so many other ways in my life. I don’t want to be scared of rejection anymore. I don’t want to be nervous about being vulnerable anymore. I feel strong and fearless and awesome and I am just gonna go for it. I have no idea what that means. I still don’t really know where I stand on the online dating scene because it just isn’t really organic….. I had an astrological reading once that said I would meet my match either at work or whilst doing something I am passionate about because I am most attractive when I am ….. what’s the word….. when I am focused, driven, passionate, … not paying attention to romance…. hahah! When people here me say that I don’t know about online dating, they largely think I am just avoiding but I’m serious. I have joined that stuff before and 95% of what I got back was “Hey, want to bang?”…. and to be honest, I don’t. I mean, I do, but not casually. I am in a serious minority of people who don’t just bang and there is nothing in my intuition that is more clear than that. I have no desire to have casual sex. So online dating becomes a little….. hmmmm.
It is going to come together. I am ready.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
